Saturday, September 1, 2012

Reflecting

It is the almost end of the summer. Two more days. This time Tuesday night and all of those names on the class list will be people. The 2012-2013 school year begun. If I ruled the world, this weekend would be the new year.... January 1st is meaningless to me, but that first Tuesday after labour day since 1981, everything in my world changes.
I read online that ms.leppart aka snake woman died and left a $120000 endowment to winger public school. I either thought woman was too evil to die or so old that she had been dead for years. While part of me was stunned at her genorousity and glad on behalf of the students who will benefit, most of my reaction was visceral hatred... That woman made the third grade hell for me. Teachers are not supposed to make children feel like that. My remembrances of her are everything I strive not to be professionally.
My intention was for this to be the summer retrospective. This summer was like no other. All of the others had a sameness to them. Long lazy inert days interspersed with writing and the desire to write. Too much time spent making grandiose plans that went no where. A lot of time alone, too much time alone. Bracing against the depression that always seemed to be just around the corner.
Not this summer. A myriad of emotions but loneliness and depression weren't among them. Incredulous that my whole life has changed. My surroundings, my home, my job, my status. My identity. Nob longer the un partnered downtown girl living in her little funky apartment. Not quite sure how to define it now. Definitely a busy summer when your identity changes. But the core of me is still me. I'd say even more sometimes cuz he is so gentle and loving and accepting of who I am. There is no need to censor or hide. That is what I did not realize last summer. I know that now, and everyday I stop and count blessings for what I have been given. I wonder why me. Why was I chosen to receive this tremendous gift of love and care?

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