Reflections

I reread most of 2011 and 2012 last night. Posting has dropped off considerably in the last few months. Writing too. But I put writing on my iPad and have started playing with it again. I'm a little sad that the posting has dropped because it is such a good way to chart how I'm feeling and it recorded so many of the milestones. The 2011 posts were a lot edgier, sharper and plainly, funnier. But sadder. Lonelier. The 2012 ones are kind of nauseating in how happy they are- the unhappy ones jump out all the more because they are so few. It is plain to see that I have no idea why I have all of this - a theme I return to over and over. And gratitude- if I am expressing it well enough.
Gratitude for Chris and the pets and the house and his career and mine and our health -both physical and emotional. Good god, I can't think of a single thing I want or need.
I need to start posting more and less cryptically - it is pretty clear that no one reads this, so I can drop the writer's pretense and just write. Like how I am amazed that I found this wonderful man who loves me so much and who every say I'm a little bit more in love with. The now makes up for all of the past. It was worth waiting for.