Sunday, December 30, 2012

Reflections

I began this blog almost two years ago. Two years ago next week. I wanted to escape from the real world, interact with the cyber world. I was tired of posting what I felt I should post on Facebook, instead of posting what I felt on Facebook. Still, the urge to self censor won out here, and I was not as honest as I could have been. I feared my real world and my cyber world colliding. That rarely happened.
I designed and deleted pages... Although it was bitter and caustic, sometimes I wish I had kept the work from the cult of the bride. The influence of the happiness project was very much there on some pages. I owe Gretchen Rubin way more than the cost of a book. I want to reread the first one again.
Keeping it as "off-Facebook" was restricting after the summer. I needed it to reflect who I was becoming. "On Neptune" seemed to allow for that, but I do like the one line posts, so I couldn't bring myself to give up the "off Facebook." I haven't imposed any restrictions or set out parameters because I wanted it to be whatever it would be. And, I'm admittedly proud of myself that two years later, I am still posting stuff. There have been lulls, but they are the exceptions.
Rereading has given me a remarkably clear picture of my life over the last two years. Even when I self censored, I can recall what was hidden.
    The close up photo of the christmas tree is included in this post for several reasons: 1): it is my tree, our tree, in our house; 2) Christmas trees have always made me happy in a way that is without cynicsm 3) coloured lights and tinsel make me even happier.
  Last December, I could not have imagined this photo ever existing. It symbolizes everything that has happened since. I invited Chris over last December to decorate my apartment as a test to determine his compliance and his silly side. He grumbled but in the expected way, and my few strings of lights were put up. December 2012 we argued in Walmart over lights: the coloured or the white lights. He won. Truthfully, coloured lights were always my favourite, and it really wasn't a concession or compromise when I agreed to them if we had silver tree ornaments. Obviously, a few coloured ones snuck in. The white lights were what I did at the apartment as a token nod to the season. I pretended I was being urban and sophisticated. I knew that a tree in that apartment would have just smacked of sad and lonely. Trying to recreate something from long ago. The tree at the house fits with the dog and everything else we have done. Both of us making our way through a domestic maze we are still a little incredulous at having entered.

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