I ruin everything. I have ruined Christmas by impugning his character. Twice in twenty four hours. His words. Not mine. But true. No defence for myself. Classic Laura. It's what I do. Countless times with J. And now with him, only the other would not have known the word impugn,
Today I just wanted to thank him for everything, my beautiful jewelry, our beautiful life. All of it. I wanted to set the scene, take charge, give him the gifts he gives me.
I fucked it up. Cuz that is what I do. Time and time again. I don't know what the correct gifts are.
Now he is mad at me and his parents arrive in less then two hours to kick off 6 days of family. I needed us to connect, to be in sync and we are not cuz I ruined it.
I am so full of shame and angry at myself that I can't even look at him, I want to spare him the sight of me.