Friday, March 22, 2013

Reflections

The anxiety monster strikes again. It lurks in shadows and always follows me around. Sometimes I can keep it at a greater distance, but I always know that it is there. The anxiety monster, a greenish brown dripping blob (a sick snot bubble kind of ooze), is very very clever. This week it caught up with me, and not for the reasons it usually does. This time: work. Change is scary. A new school so work changed mightily. I thought I was doing ok. Settling in. Finding my way. So, this recent problem, it has never been problematic before, has given the anxiety monster the hutzpah to dance all over me. Its paw prints have left me bruised and shallow breathing. I'm unable to trust myself. I doubt myself in an arena where there is rarely doubt.
Stop. Breathe. Remind myself that the anxiety monster can only get me if I let it. With the anxiety monster, I make the problem larger than it is. 10 feet tall 3 feet wide. So much bigger than it deserves to be. Already, steps have been taken to fix the problem and I'm told I am doing well. Told that this problem was not even an actual problem. The anxiety monster made it a problem.

Somehow, labelling it the anxiety monster makes it less so. I need to remember that. Remember not to take it so seriously.

I told Chris tonight about it. Again. It is hard to talk about. Each time we do, i tell him a little bit more. tonight I think, I even surprised him. For so long, my anxiety was something I hid. I was ashamed of. I did not want anyone to know about it. I was afraid what people would think. I did not want to burden anyone with my crazy. But "not crazy enough" is a paraphrase of what i was told by the mental health service providers when I tried to seek help. So, it was just me and what I do to keep it at bay. I don't think he has ever seen me clean the kitchen that fast before. Productivity bleeds off the energy which if I was a different kind of person would be channeled differently.

I'm sure he doesn't believe me but the anxiety would be worse with out him. He was not around the year of the stupid people. That year, they and the anxiety monster, almost broke me.

I skipped yoga with Krista - the timing did not work- and the recent feeling of rush is not helping. So, a quiet pause in my library, a bit of digital writing, and a few stretches before I start my weekend. I feel better.

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