Reflections

Today is a day, driven by biology, to play hooky from life. Lie very still in bed and read. Think of foods that might not make me barf. And read. This time a reread of Chris' blog. He'd laugh if he knew. God, I love his blog, the way he plays with words, how he tells a story, weaving fact with fiction, how he rants on issues, again inserting bits of himself in it. So clever and sharp and funny and biting and tender. It has been years since he wrote. One of the last posts was about our first date. I should have known then that two years later I would be sitting on our sheet covered couch, and just have gone with it-a guy who wrote an entire blog post about me... how could I resist. Or the post about going to toronto and helping someone make tough choices. We have never talked about that incident, all I know is what he posted, but I think it was at that moment a more self-aware person would have been aware that she was falling for him - i cried and got goosebumps when i first read that post. Even if i wasnt sitting on our sheet protected couch, that is still one of the most beautiful and raw things i have ever read. Rereading it today, i wiped away more tears than the first time. And if that same situation arose today, i would hope i would put him on the greyhound because i think i know why he had to. 

   He doesn't write anymore. He no longer has the interest or the attention for it. But, That blog stole my heart - I had more than a little crush on the writer.  I knew I wasn't the "you" he was writing to, but I envied her. I wanted someone to feel that way about me, and I was mad that anybody could be mean to him. Didn't they know just how goddam sweet he was? Again, he'd scoff.

   It makes me want to write again. Always that urge driving me forward. Fiction. Journaling. Whatever. I think I am running out of reasons not to.