Off facebook and on Neptune

Laura Arual thanks Gretchen for reminding her not to keep score. He does not keep score.

Laura Arual almost had him dancing for a brief second to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujuh" in the living room.

I began this blog almost two years ago. Two years ago next week. I wanted to escape from the real world, interact with the cyber world. I was tired of posting what I felt I should post on Facebook, instead of posting what I felt on Facebook. Still, the urge to self censor won out here, and I was not as honest as I could have been. I feared my real world and my cyber world colliding. That rarely happened. I designed and deleted pages... Although it was bitter and caustic, sometimes I wish I had kept the work from the cult of the bride. The influence of the happiness project was very much there on some pages. I owe Gretchen Rubin way more than the cost of a book. I want to reread the first one again. Keeping it as "off-Facebook" was restricting after the summer. I needed it to reflect who I was becoming. "On Neptune" seemed to allow for that, but I do like the one line posts, so I couldn't bring myself to give up the "off Facebook." I haven't impos...

Laura Arual knows that she is loved, but wonders if she is desired.

Laura Arual has the best boyfriend ever. For so many reasons, not the least of which is digital skills.

Laura Arual is squashed next to a boy in her parents' horrible spare bed. Best Christmas ever.

Christmas Day in the morning when I open my eyes. Lying in my own bed, in my own house, next to my own man. The love of my life. A first ever. Not the spinsterish daughter, the oddball older sister in a spare room. Me in my own house with my own man. His snores the gentle melody I fall asleep to. Not taking time out of my life to go play a part. Not leaving my life in Peterborough or pressing pause on it. All parts integrated, coming together in one. No secrets. No half truths I tell them, I try to tell myself. That openness is the best gift. J never gave me that, few other gifts, but especially that. Chris gives me so much. I again marvel at the changes in one year to my life.

I ruin everything. I have ruined Christmas by impugning his character. Twice in twenty four hours. His words. Not mine. But true. No defence for myself. Classic Laura. It's what I do. Countless times with J. And now with him, only the other would not have known the word impugn, Today I just wanted to thank him for everything, my beautiful jewelry, our beautiful life. All of it. I wanted to set the scene, take charge, give him the gifts he gives me. I fucked it up. Cuz that is what I do. Time and time again. I don't know what the correct gifts are. Now he is mad at me and his parents arrive in less then two hours to kick off 6 days of family. I needed us to connect, to be in sync and we are not cuz I ruined it. I am so full of shame and angry at myself that I can't even look at him, I want to spare him the sight of me.

I reread most of 2011 and 2012 last night. Posting has dropped off considerably in the last few months. Writing too. But I put writing on my iPad and have started playing with it again. I'm a little sad that the posting has dropped because it is such a good way to chart how I'm feeling and it recorded so many of the milestones. The 2011 posts were a lot edgier, sharper and plainly, funnier. But sadder. Lonelier. The 2012 ones are kind of nauseating in how happy they are- the unhappy ones jump out all the more because they are so few. It is plain to see that I have no idea why I have all of this - a theme I return to over and over. And gratitude- if I am expressing it well enough. Gratitude for Chris and the pets and the house and his career and mine and our health -both physical and emotional. Good god, I can't think of a single thing I want or need. I need to start posting more and less cryptically - it is pretty clear that no one reads this, so I can drop the wri...

Laura Arual has had dreams realized in the past year that she hadn't even known that she had. How did she ever earn such love and happiness?

Laura Arual is very tired but very happy. One more day and two weeks off. So yay,

Laura Arual has a partially decorated tree in her living room. So many wonderful unbelievable changes.

The world has gone mad, but my own little piece of it is tranquil. I consider his snores next to me a lullaby, and fall asleep knowing I am safe and loved. I am a little bit more grateful every day for what I have, and know that not everyone has what I have.