Off facebook and on Neptune

Tonight he said, "my life would be shit without you." Walking to Tim hortons after the gym, we passed a Lotto sign. 13 million. I said all we need is $100 000. He said nope. He wants 260 000 to be debt free. Then h reminded me that the house would be paid off if I died. The usual, let's kill the spouse talk. Then he muttered that. I almost cried. It was so poignant. 

http://www.powerofpositivity.com/11-things-remember-think-youre-good-enough/

http://www.powerofpositivity.com/11-things-remember-think-youre-good-enough/

http://www.powerofpositivity.com/11-things-remember-think-youre-good-enough/

I need to get my shit together. Saturday was the lowest of low points in the last 3 and a half years. I blame rereading all of my old notebooks. It was as if John had walked right into my kitchen and stood there. I did not tell Chris cuz it destroys him when evidence of that creeps into our life. I am determined to be better.

A hard conversation today. We have no money. No cash. No credit. The wedding. The bed. The little bursts of frivolity.  It is hard to say no. I have to say no. I don't want to hurt him. I want to give him everything. He is so delighted by little things. Big things. That little smile and then the sparkle in his eye, I don't want to say anything that would extinguish thar.  I said I'd sell my wedding. He said. "No. Your wedding dress means everything to me. You know that, right?" Fuck. I love him so much.

Working out :)  Watching a documentary With Chris 

The gym - learning how to use the machines  Going out for lunch with Chris and giving Sam the cake toppers from the wedding  Seeing how much Chris likes the bar fridge in the basement. Because we have spent the gift cards, does that mean the wedding is over? 

Hours spent making my classroom my own  Chris helped  Swimming 5 laps  I am a very lucky woman 

Now that I have a marriage, it needs to be happy. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lydia-netzer/marriage-secrets_b_1459770.html

A good day because:  - a gym membership at Trent. I swam three laps and did cardio for 35 minutes.  - dinner with Kristine  - he kissed me  The good things are because I must remind myself to work on the positivity. Each negative thing I say about myself hurts him, and he is the last person I want to hurt. I want to be the woman he sees me as.