Summer goals. He bought sparklers and lit one in the bedroom. We stole a grocery cart when it was raining and the cab was never coming. Dinner at hot belly mamas was delicious. The bbq is unpurchases but things are well.
Posts
I miss Facebook
facebook controls the world; it knows everything about me, it shared everything about me. Maybe. I think. I dunno. I don’t understand what happened. Much of what is on it now is like stale candy and generic fast food. Mesmerizing but not satisfying. I miss my pithy status updates. Silly photos. Chronicalling my life. I will try to do that here.
Tumour day - not as funny as it sounds
A tumour. I can't believe it. There is a protective coating that prevents my mind from believing it. A tumour cut out of his leg. Why? Now we wait. Wait for some person who doesn't know how awesome he is, how much I love him, how he brings sparkle to everyday to wander in from their lunch and read the results. Make good on their plan to call and inform us. Possibly change everything. I have wasted so much time on things that are not important. Loving him and being good to him are what matter.
Thanksgiving and gratitude
Our own little thanksgiving dinner. I have so much to be thankful for. I take it for granted sometimes, all of it, the little things, the big things, I don't daily appreciate what I have. I just see what is missing, or not done, until a fight like this weekend. And then I am flooded with the realization of what I have and how empty my life would be without him. Again, I was reminded this weekend of where he came from -how different that was from me. Holidays I get a yearning for family, large crowds of relatives, most of whom I do not like, but that is what I am programmed for. He is programmed to ignore the holidays..... He said he does not understand the fakeness that people have, the putting on the persona and being polite when everyone hates everyone. But, we do not have that fakeness with each other. When he said this, I just gave him a hug. Nothing more to say.
Gratitude
Enjoy what you have. Revel in it. Be grounded in yourself and love yourself for who you are.
I am reading a perfectly pleasant little novel about a divorced woman putting her life back together and learning how to be on her own. This is the kind of novel where I would go, "me too! Info that!" Each time she discovers a solitary pleasure. As I'm reading it, I remember when those solitary pleasures were mine, and there is a teeny ping of missing them, but then I inventory all of the love in my life now. The love from Chris, the dog. All of the joyous loud love. The warm quiet love. How I can reach out and touch it. That is what was missing before: the fullness of love. I still can't quite believe how I got here.
Tonight he said, "my life would be shit without you." Walking to Tim hortons after the gym, we passed a Lotto sign. 13 million. I said all we need is $100 000. He said nope. He wants 260 000 to be debt free. Then h reminded me that the house would be paid off if I died. The usual, let's kill the spouse talk. Then he muttered that. I almost cried. It was so poignant.