Tonight he said, "my life would be shit without you." Walking to Tim hortons after the gym, we passed a Lotto sign. 13 million. I said all we need is $100 000. He said nope. He wants 260 000 to be debt free. Then h reminded me that the house would be paid off if I died. The usual, let's kill the spouse talk. Then he muttered that. I almost cried. It was so poignant.
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I need to get my shit together. Saturday was the lowest of low points in the last 3 and a half years. I blame rereading all of my old notebooks. It was as if John had walked right into my kitchen and stood there. I did not tell Chris cuz it destroys him when evidence of that creeps into our life. I am determined to be better.
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A hard conversation today. We have no money. No cash. No credit. The wedding. The bed. The little bursts of frivolity. It is hard to say no. I have to say no. I don't want to hurt him. I want to give him everything. He is so delighted by little things. Big things. That little smile and then the sparkle in his eye, I don't want to say anything that would extinguish thar. I said I'd sell my wedding. He said. "No. Your wedding dress means everything to me. You know that, right?" Fuck. I love him so much.